Hmm – this rational honesty stuff is difficult. According to the book, one is supposed not to supress anger, you acknowledge it, feel it and move on. It’s OK to be angry – so it looks like the tourette chef is very psychologically healthy.
There is an exercise in the book about dealing with supressed anger with a person (which is for one’s own benefit, not their’s):
- Have a dialogue with them in your mind, say what you want to say, and let them talk back.
- Ring them up and arrange a meeting. Explain that you want to clear the air.
- Read the rest of the chapter before the meeting.
You turn the page, and the author says “Bet you didn’t do it!” – and you know what? I hadn’t!
There is someone I have a lot of anger towards. It all built up inside me and I ended up leaving a very angry and upset message on their mobile phone, and I haven’t seen or heard from them since.
Am I brave enough to call them and arrange a meeting? I can’t help feeling that it would just rake over old coals and do more damge than good. And yet, the anger and hurt I feel gnaws away at me like a sore tooth and comes up at the strangest times.
So watch this space…
Lots of peeps have asked me how I’m getting on with the whole radical honesty thing, so I thought I’d blog a bit. Having read a bit of Brad’s book – I think he’s a bit of a tosser, but it’s stimulated a lot of thought.
As previously blogged the push behind radical honesty isn’t a moral one, but rather a psycholological/health one. Interestingly, like the meditation techniques I learnt (and have let lapse!) last year, it anchors you in present experience – training you to ignore the evaluative voice in the back of the mind.
In trying to tell the truth at all times, it’s made me evaluate why and when I lie. It’s always because of how I THINK others are going to react to the truth, whether it’s my slightly ‘sexing up’ an anecdote or trying to hide the fact the reason I’m not hungry is because I’ve been stuffing chocolate all afternoon. I want/need people to like me, to approve of me. And in the past that’s meant my trying to hide my struggles, until I can’t hold on any longer and break down or blow up.
So, in order to avoid the anticipated bad reaction (even if it’s not an angry outburst, just a change in their view of me) – I blurt out some lie, which most of the time is so poor that it’s seen through at once. Leading to guarenteed bad reaction/relationship breakdown. Or in order to make sure that people continue to want to spend time with me, I feel that I need to supply ‘material’ to keep them amused and to ignore my needs and feelings.
My plan, such as it is, is to keep on with the radical honesty, and monitor the consequences.
A little while ago, I decided that I was going to try and make my life more authentic. It’s been very hard, but my recent move into a more technical role has been part of that. I think I’m closer to the role that suits me, rather than the type of job that I’ve always thought I ‘ought’ to be doing or ‘ought’ to be good at.
The Boy heard an interview with the Dr Brad Blandon. He advocates what he calls radical honesty – to tell the truth at all times. Not from some Kantian imperative, but because it is more psychologically healthy. This includes social ‘white lies’. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m a total miscreant, but I do lie (hard to believe I know), to myself as well as others. So I’ve decided to implement radical honesty for a week. I wonder if anyone will notice.